(Not) Much to our surprise, Bollywood has joined the bandwagon of recent Indo-Pak tensions. This comes as the aftermath of its celebrities proving themselves the top contenders for Param Vir Chakra (India’s highest military award) because of their vitriolic Tweets. Now, it’s time for the directors to take the lead.

So, the news is that the Devdas director, Sanjay Leela Bhansali, is planning to make a film on Balakot “Subjikal” strike. The film will recreate the events that happened to Indian media’s new-found love, Wing Commander Abhinandan Vardhaman. The Indian tabloids also report that the film may feature some A-Listers of Bollywood.

Meanwhile, the Indian Twitteratis are asking Ranveer Singh to play Mr. Abhinandan. This doesn’t come as a surprise since the actor boasts the experience of portraying Alauddin Khilji and Bajirao earlier, as per the vivid imaginations of Indian masses (one a barbaric attacker who eats whole cow thighs all alone and the other a secular military leader who loves Muslims in (any female) form respectively.)

The Patrioticas

With tensions between the two neighbours, how could Bollywood not exploit this hate and make money out of it? After all, the formula is tried and tested, and one that is created by Bollywood itself.

After the 1998 nuclear tests and the Kargil confrontation the very next year, Bollywood churned out hundreds of anti-Pakistan films. So much so, that it led Zeeshan Mahmood of team Galaxy Lollywood coin a new term for such films, “The Patrioticas.”

patriotica [n] –

“spectacle of patriotic eroticism, arousing chauvinistic libido, giving jingoistic orgasms to nationalistically sterile masses.”

Example: Patrioticas, like #Azaadi, #ParwazHaiJunoon, and #Raazi, are in vogue these days in the sub-continent.

— Zeeshan Mahmood (@zeeshaandaar) April 10, 2018

Now, for people with a meager knowledge of films, like myself, “Patrioticas” is a film genre created by Bollywood oracles. As per the definition “Such films are the spectacle of patriotic eroticism, arousing misanthropic libido against the opposite side, leading to jingoistic orgasms which satisfy the intellectually sterile masses.”

Too difficult to grasp? Well, a few examples here would help you identify such gems. Patrioticas include films like Border, Soldier, Sarfarosh, Dil Jaley, Qayamat, Uri, and countless others (probably more than the number of people in India who hate war.)

On the Pakistani side, films like Ghar Kab Aogey, Musalman, Moosa Khan, and most recently, Azaadi, fall in the much celebrated – and “yet misidentified to this date” – the Patriotica genre.

The Common Formula

What’s common in these films is that heroes have the good credentials, anyone could imagine, while the antiheroes are the epitome of all things nasty. The bad guys generally use a busty, hot, tight clothed woman to allure the hero.

Much to the disappointment of the bad guys, however, our hero has “different sexual orientations” and is a total naysayer to the sexual advancements of the femme fatale.

This not only results in the success of the mission but also transforms the lady into a satti savitri, who is then ultimately hell-bent on helping the hero, achieving his goal to destroy her own people. Examples include Ghar Kab Aoegy, Dil Jaely, Qayamat, Agent Vinod, Ik Tha Tiger, Ghadar: Ek Prem Katha, and many more featuring sexy women who more or less follow this template.

The Abhinandan Film

As for a film on Pulwama and Abhinandan, while the Bollywood fans in India may have to wait a few months more for the film to come out, it would obviously be facing a ban in Pakistan.

Therefore, to satisfy the curiosities you may or may not have regarding the film, we decided to leak the storyline and some of the screenplay so that you don’t feel like missing out on the masterpiece that Bollywood may be all set to churn out.

But, you too, would have to wait for a little while as we reveal the plot to you in part two of this piece tomorrow. Till then, stay safe from an Indian subjikal strike (we’ll explain what that means.)

Disclaimer: This article is a work of satire and is part 1 of the two-part series.