Earlier, we had informed you that Bollywood has decided to make a film on the entire post-Pulwama and Abhinandan incident. Since the film would obviously be facing a ban in Pakistan, we had also decided and promised to leak the storyline and some of the screenplay so that you don’t feel like missing out on the masterpiece that Bollywood may be all set to churn out.
So here it is:
Disclaimer: Galaxy Lollywood didn’t seek the help of any terrorist outfit to sneakily get the plot details of the film.
The patriotica (Read the previous part for explanation) is titled “Chaye Ke Peechey Kia Hay” (Not inspired from Choli Ke Peechey Kia hai), and opens with a suicide attack by a Kashmiri freedom fighter who is trained in NUST Islamabad campus.
The suicide bomber is shown to hang out with “Pindi Boyses,” which is a terrorist outfit based in Pindi, comprising of all one wheeling, bright, and tight jeans wearing minds who only speak in Lakhnawi style Urdu where the word ‘Janaab’ is a must in every sentence.
The group trains our to-be-suicide-bomber to attack the Indian Army convoy using techniques similar to what Pindi Boyses already use for attacking the Centaurus Mall in Islamabad. It’s this vital clue that makes the Indians realize that the attack actually happened from the Pakistani soil.
To avenge their countrymen, Indian Army selects Wing Commander Abhinandan (Ranveer Singh) to attack the base camp in Balakot, housing around three hundred “tree-errorists”.
In his first mission, Abhinandan is successful in destroying 300 tree-errorists in Balakot. As proof, he brings a bundle of leaves to his unit where they make “Saag Makhni” out of it in celebration that is shown live on Indian news channels.
Abhinandan’s actions get widely celebrated in India and with Pakistani Saag Makhni in, the Indian media merrily announces to the world that their armed forces conducted successful ‘Subjikal Strikes’ in Pakistan.
– Rising Action
Arnab Goswami, a journalist (Lol), TV anchor, military strategist, patriot, finder of Dawood Ibrahim, and someone who is mostly found in a fifth dimension called “Indian News Channels,” urges the Indian Army that using the delicious taste of Pakistani tree-errorists, they could devise a further plan wherein they could bring Pakistani nukes so that they don’t fall in the hands of a war fanatic called “Modi.”
Shortly after, Abhi hops on a Rafale jet (which is secured by India using a corruption-free process by BJP sarkar) and gets on the daring mission across the border. While trying to snatch Pakistani nukes, much to the surprise of Abhi and the viewers, he gets intercepted by Pakistani Mig 21s.
The old jets are shot down in a split second but the heat of Saag Makhni that Abhi ate last night causes a sudden fire in his jet (this is obviously a technical error and doesn’t have to do anything with the bowel habits of our hero).
Abhi ejects from the plane with all the important documents and successfully lands on ground where the “janaab janaab chanting” mob is waiting for him. He takes them for Indian Muslims and asks the location in India. An old baba Ji suddenly comes up with an idea to prank him and tells him its Mumbai’s film city.
Hearing this, Abhi shouts “Munni Badnaam Hui Darling Tere Liye,” which causes the janaab chanting crowd to go berserk and attack him. This was because “Munni” was the little Kashmiri girl saved by Bajrangi Bhaijan and was waiting for an Indian guy to come to Pakistan so that she could fall in love with him.
After this plot twist, Pakistani Army treacherously captures Wing Commander Abhinandan and takes him to their unit, excitedly announcing to their media that they have captured an Indian pilot, not knowing that all of this is Abhi’s secret plan.
Meanwhile, Modi Ji in India leaves his election campaign and launches diplomatic and military pressures on Pakistan.
Although Abhi is subjected to severe torture by Pakistani forces and asked about how they managed to transform pine trees in Saag Makhni, all that they get in reply is “I am sorry sir I am not supposed to tell you that.”
While Pakistani intelligence agencies are trying to extract information from him, Abhinandan is taken to a remote pub that doubles as a state-of-the-art military hospital. The Pakistanis plan to give some alcohol to Abhi in a teacup, hoping that he will reveal all his secrets in a “Devdasi” state under its influence.
Abhi slurps the drink away, all the while appearing to compliment his captors by saying “I am not supposed to tell you this” and “The Chaye is fantastic.” Much to the dismay of Pakistanis who are expecting some revelations, it is shown that their prisoner was not, in fact, drinking any alcohol all this time and that it was the Pakistani interrogator who was drugged and not him.
In a flashback sequence, a sexy Pakistani spy played by Katrina Kaif (who also served Pakistan in Ek Tha Tiger and Tiger Zinda Hay) is at the very same station where Abhi is being interrogated. She’s told by the tiger (cameo by Salman Khan in a dream sequence song sung by Atif Aslam) to swap the teacups in return for some more film projects in future.
Katrina obliges without hesitation, thus helping Abhi escape the prison. Meanwhile, we are told that the “Chaye is fantastic“ was actually a code where the pilot was signaling his companions in India that his mission of obtaining nukes is complete.
– Falling Action
In the grand finale, Abhi runs to Wagah Border to reach his homeland. By that time, however, Pakistani Rangers is all ready to confront him. The guards at the Wagah, however, are found “off guard” when Deepika Padukone appears in a special item number.
Her pelvic thrusts transforming into superpower “Thumkas” get all the Pakistani guards busy and that’s when Abhi enters India amid all the confusion and fits of the dance sequence.
Upon entering India, Abhi shouts “Hello Hi Chorriye, Jay Deepika Ki Boliye” and thanks Indian authorities for canceling the flag hoisting ceremony on the Indian side of the Wagah, thus avoiding the collateral damage of Indian soldiers because of Deepika’s item number.
– Not a Happy Ending
In the last sequence, it is shown that not all is rosy for Abhi at his home. The moment he enters his military residence, the first question his wife asks is “who was the woman who accompanied you all the way across India-Pakistan border.” It is Abhi who is caught off guard this time, hence, hinting at a sequel to the much-anticipated film, Chaye Ke Peechey Kia hai.
Disclaimer: This article is a work of satire and is part 2 of the two-part series.